The Gay Agenda is back to raise funds for the relief effort in Puerto Rico. Have a dream you want me to interpret, with my very specific spin? Send $25 via Paypal to telpher@gmail.com, and then send the details of your dream in an email. Please include your name, as you'd like it to appear on the site when my very gay interpretation of your dream is posted. 100% of the proceeds will go to Hurricane Maria relief efforts in Puerto Rico. Prefer Venmo? You can send your donation that way, too. My Venmo username is Lana-Nieves.
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Friday, March 8, 2013

Truly, Madly, Deeply


Cappy Sue writes:

I was in a house with all kinds of people - some I knew and some I did not. We knew someone was killing people so, when we figured out who it was, we bashed him on the head. It was a guy who looked a lot like Alan Rickman. I am not sure if it was supposed to be him or not. But that was what was running through my head while I crammed his injured body into a giant microwave.

He was beating on the door to get out but in a effort to stop him I went ahead and cooked him. It was gross and he melted and bubbled something like gremlins being born. He then turned into a little girl in a floral dress that had no sleeves. 


When I was done cooking him I wrapped the remains up in a fleece blanket and took it outside and saw a park across the way. I sat it on the park bench and bought a balloon from one of those strolling vendors. No one seemed concerned I was carting around this melted glob of an Alan Rickman girl. I put the little balloon in the thing's hand and sat there for a few moments. Then I got up and went to buy a hot dog.
End of the dream. 

Cappy, this dream is telling you, via Alan Rickman, that relationships with men are truly, madly, deeply killing you, and that it's time for you to take serious action. Like Rickman's character in this charming movie, societal-imposed heterosexuality has moved from being a comfort, to being the ultimate guest-who's-overstayed-his-welcome. You do your best to get rid of Alan (who represents the hoards of men you've bedded down in an effort to prove your heterosexuality) but he's a stubborn bastard, and makes all kinds of noise, forcing you to take drastic measures. While it may seem as if you're torturing Rickman by turning on the microwave oven, what you're really doing is purging yourself of one reality and embracing another. An oven doubles as an incubator, and this dream is telling you that, only by killing the falsehood of heterosexuality will you ever be able to truly nurture your true nature: that of a woman who loves women.  The little girl Rickman turns into? That's you, sister, in all your babydyke glory, wearing signs of Spring and rebirth.

The end of your dream may seem odd and disturbing, but it's actually very positive. You obviously have some deep-seated fear about what kind of reception you'll get from the world if you finally embrace your queerdom. The fact that you're sitting on a park bench with Melted Alan Rickman and no one seems to give a damn? That's your subconscious telling you that, more and more, being gay is seen as no big deal. Don't worry what people will think. What about the hot dog, you ask? If you're afraid you'll miss that part of hetero sex, have no fear: lesbians can buy those things these days, and often do. 

Yup. Gay.