The Gay Agenda is back to raise funds for the relief effort in Puerto Rico. Have a dream you want me to interpret, with my very specific spin? Send $25 via Paypal to telpher@gmail.com, and then send the details of your dream in an email. Please include your name, as you'd like it to appear on the site when my very gay interpretation of your dream is posted. 100% of the proceeds will go to Hurricane Maria relief efforts in Puerto Rico. Prefer Venmo? You can send your donation that way, too. My Venmo username is Lana-Nieves.
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Monday, January 28, 2013

What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been

Amber S. of NYC writes:

I had a very long dream that seemed mostly that I had pack up and arrange other people's travel and luggage. Most of the dream involved organizing and finding items that needed to go in two very small bags for me and my traveling companion friend. But it turned out we also needed to transport other people's pets. And this included what seemed like a flock of doves and pigeons, which could be in a big cage with each other, and also another animal in it's own cage which I'm not sure was a rabbit or civet or something.

Virtually the entire dream involved mishaps with not being able to find things or rustle animals into containers. Although once it seemed like I was on a first class flight in what seemed like a movie theater and the bird cages were hanging from the ceiling, that seems like it was the trip "there" wherever there was because the whole setting was NYC. However the whole thing was not my trip, it seemed like it was my job or something. Most of the dream was trying to get ready for the trip "back" and this was why it was frustrating trying to find all my items and being burdened with all these exotic pets that weren't even mine. Eventually I was at my father and his family's house and that's where a lot of the luggage and birds were. Finally we have a short time left and the car is waiting and my dad is just really angry that we are late. I keep saying "these are not even my animals, this is not my fault" and I start imagining that maybe we will miss the flight and have more time to find everything for the next flight. I woke up as we were driving to the airport though my dad was not there.


Amber, this blog was started after I interpreted two of your dreams that fairly screamed, "Let me out of this prison of heterosexuality!!!"Yet, here you are, still living the life of a modern day Mary Tyler Moore - a happening straight girl, living on her own, tossing up her hat to a winter breeze, and waiting for Prince Charming to come along. Did you watch MTM as a kid? Prince Charming never came. And let's get one thing clear: Rhoda was ALWAYS the more interesting woman, anyhow. That caged bird isn't someone's pet, it's you, baby girl.

Your dream is all about the excess baggage you've been forced, by society, to carry around. And it's not even YOUR baggage! Why are you carrying around - and worrying about - other people's baggage? You talk about not knowing where you're headed, and it not even being your trip. Doesn't this tell you something?

Sometimes, you have to make a deliberate decision to set your own itinerary, and do things your own way, even if people think it's nutty. So, go ahead and miss that flight: there's always another.  Better yet, choose another way to travel, entirely. While others like a plane, you might be better off taking Amtrak. Trust me: the scenery is better and the seats are roomier.

Taking everyone else's trip, and carrying other people's stuff around hasn't served you well.  If you and your nameless/faceless travel companion are ever going to get anywhere, you need to ditch all the stuff that other people think is important, fill an Eddie Bauer backpack with some chinos, a flannel shirt or two, and an extra pair of Keen walking shoes, and be on your way. Even the TSA doesn't like it when you let someone else fiddle with your luggage. You're a lesbian, Amber, and PACKING is one thing lesbians do better than anyone else.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Greek To Me

Keara G. writes:

I'm with my family, and we are floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. It's nighttime. I look up and the evening sky is AMAZING like I've never seen before in my life. Every constellation is before me at one time, made up of thousands of sparkling stars. Orion! Scorpio! Taurus! The Seven Sisters! Aquarius! Cassiopeia! Pegasus! Wait a second! Pegasus doesn't have a horn! A gleaming horn! That's not a horse! That's a UNICORN! Holy shit! I look around shouting for everyone to look! Look! But I'm alone. I need to get back but can't see shoreline, so I look for the North Star, find it, and swim in the opposite direction. I swim and swim and then finally see the shore. I head for it but have to swim through some serious muck and mire to get there. I feel the ground under my feet and crawl out of the ocean, dirty and covered with mud. I look up, and gaze with wonder at the stars above.


This dream is about the those parts of life that we share collectively with others, as opposed to those parts which are very personal, and about wanting to be like everyone else when, in fact you're not.

You're on an open sea with your family, experiencing the ocean and the night sky. This represents your belief system - and even your hope - that you see things just the way other people do, and experience them in the same way.  But, of course, you DO see things differently. In your mind's eye, the constellation of Pegasus isn't a winged horse, at all, but a unicorn. I'm sure you know that Medieval legend dictates a unicorn (a mythological creature, itself) can only be hunted and captured by a virgin - someone pure of body and mind. Yet, here you are, a married mom who has spotted the elusive creature. What does it mean? It means that you know, in your heart of hearts, that you're really a virgin where it counts, because you have never given in to your true desire: sex with women. 

It's no accident your dream takes place at sea: in life, you have no desire to rock the proverbial boat. What you find, though, is that you're not on a sea-worthy ship, but a raft. Who is ever on a raft on the expansive ocean, but someone who is lost at sea? Your dream is screaming at you that your life as a heterosexual is a virtual Andrea Doria, and that you've reached a point where it's sink or swim.  In other words, this shit is killing you, girl. Luckily, your innate desire to survive, and even to thrive, reminds you that there's a little Diana Nyad inside of all of us, when need be. It's not an easy journey, and finding your way in the dark, murky waters of coming out may seem insurmountable, but the stars are there to guide you. And look at your dream: you not only reach the dry land of Lesbos, but you discover the stars are still there for you to gaze up at and admire.

Swim for your life, girl....your big, old lesbian life. There's dry land once you get there. In fact, there's wall-to-wall carpeting.  And don't be too hard on yourself for taking this long to find out you're actually gay: have you ever really looked at those constellations? They're just crazy, random stars that some Ancient Greek who'd hit the Ouzo pipe once too often decided to assign names and characters to, without real rhyme or reason. Just the way the world decided you were a straight chick, without ever asking you if this was so.  Making heads or tales of that crap ain't easy.


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Call the Genius Bar

I dreamt that I agreed, as part of my current contract with a website client, to arrange the ordering and shipping of thirty million Dell laptops. Am I....you know? 
 David R. 

David, in your dream, you've agreed to comply and do something completely unreasonable, at the request of someone whose favor and approval you deeply desire.  The nature of the task you've agreed to, and the enormity of it, represent the enormity of your ongoing efforts to please your family and the wider society, who have placed unreasonable expectations on you. The dream version of you has, in effect, agreed to do way more than you'd signed on for when you agreed to this contract with this client. This mirrors your waking life, where you find yourself having meaningless sex with women night after night after night, all in an effort to be the people-pleaser you wish to be. Have you had distasteful, unsatisfying sex with 30 Million women? No but, to a man who is homosexual, any sex with a woman is too much sex. I'm sure it FEELS like it's been 30 million women.

Your dream is telling you how preposterous it is to continue living a life full of random, meaningless, joyless sex with women. It's time to wake up to the fact that you're an Apple guy who's being bombarded by PCs. In other words: GAY.