Ten Percent Bent

Julia Perce, of Woodstock, NY writes:

"I was concentrating REALLY hard on bending a fork. And this woman's toy poodle just would NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. It felt like a stress dream."

The fork represents your sexuality, and I don't think you're trying to bend it so much as UNbend it. The toy poodle - a little ball of fur belonging to a woman - is clearly a representation of female genitalia, and she's fairly screaming out to you. Go ahead: focus all the energy you can muster on making that fork bend the way you wish it would, but there's no escaping the fact that the call of vagina is fairly ringing in your ears, diverting you from this fool's errand. You're gay, Julia, like an estimated ten percent of the population, and no amount of effort is going to change this. You can try, but you won't succeed. You can't de-gay yourself any more than you can bend flatware, so why even stress it, at all? Didn't anyone tell you Uri Geller was a fraudster?

Cry Fowl, And Let Loose the Seven Sisters

After a long hiatus, The Gay Agenda is back with two short-but-sweet dream interpretations. Send those dreams, and I'll do my best to tell you how gay you are.

Bernard B., of Boulder Colorado posts: 

"Dreamt of chicken. Woke up to no chicken. :( "

Beebs, do you even know the difference between a chicken and a rooster? Your dream is clearly about COCK. Imagine your disappointment to wake up from such a blissful, homoerotic dream, and find yourself still stuck living a heterosexual lie! Dude, you are totally gay. My advice to you is: avoid Chick Fil A. 

Tamara R.B.O., of  Stratham, New Hampshire, writes:

"I dreamt of Mother Theresa and waiting tables at a college dining hall."

First off, Tamara, I suggest you buy a copy of "Lesbian Nuns: Breaking The Silence." You think priests are the only ones who take vows of chastity to avoid outing themselves as queer? Everyone knows that "nun" is, as often as not, Catholic for "lesbian." Your dream is a clarion call - a call to service. While Mother Theresa was called upon to take care of lepers and starving children, though, your calling is of a more carnal nature. A dream about a college dining hall? From a New England girl like you? Higher education means one thing, when you're north of Yonkers: LESBIANS. 

Your dream indicates that you are not only gay, but a bottom in search of a top: like Mother Theresa, you yearn to serve, and serve humbly. Get yourself over to Northampton, and find yourself a butch top. Smith and Hampshire are teeming with them. 

Karen Silkwood Was Murdered

Kristine Phoenix Artinian writes:

I was staying at a friend's house and I was running late for work. It was a GIANT house and I needed to shower, and I started it but then I went to lock the bathroom door. There wasn't just one door, but several because the bathroom was actually an insanely long corridor with the shower stall at one end. By the time I locked all the doors to the end and got back, my friend had turned off the shower and taken over that end of the bathroom. I hiked back to the other end, thinking I had seen a shower at that end as well, but when I got back down there I saw it was a lavish outdoor pool with lots and lots of people in and around it. All this took place while I was wrapped in a towel. At this point I was so late I just decided to go to work dirty. 

Kristine, the fact that your dream self is running late is an indication that you feel, in the grand scheme of things, you're running out of time. We're mortal beings, my friend, and time is finite. Like many people who reach middle age, you're at a crossroads, and this dream is presenting you with certain options that lay ahead of you: the one you choose will be pivotal in how the rest of your life plays out.

You've dreamt about about shame, self-loathing, and the multiple layers of protection you've built up to hide from the inescapable truth about yourself.  The GIANT house in your dream represents your psyche - so vast and complicated, cavernous, really. An easy place in which to get lost....especially when one harbors a GIANT secret and GIANT shame. In the dream, you find yourself in this big house, and feel you need a shower. This is because in your waking hours, when you look too deeply into yourself, you feel unclean. What you keep hidden away behind closed, psychic doors is that which you feel is filthy and unseemly, and you wish you could wash it away. The long bathroom you describe is the length of time you've already lived: your life to-date. It's been a long road getting to where you are today, and there are multiple locks and doors at the end that long span of time from that which you find unclean: your true sexual preference, which is that of a gay woman. Just as you've spent years (and lots of energy) locking the world away from your inner lesbian, your dream self takes the long walk to lock the multiple doors behind you. The good news is, this is ultimately a dream about you confronting this crossroads with friends-of-Dorothy on hand to lead you to the promised land. Whereas you've spent a lifetime locked away from the world, what you're clearly ready to do at this stage in life is shut the door on what's behind you and take not a Karen Silkwood shower to wash away the gay, but to enjoy a dip in a luxurious pool of Sapphic delights. You're ready to take the full muff dive, Kristine. Your nudity, except for a towel, illustrates how exposed you suddenly feel, now that you've subconsciously decided to embrace your inner lesbian. Be brave and go out into the world dirty, Gay Girl. If Meryl Streep had just hit it with Cher, like she should have, Silkwood would have been a completely different movie.

Lesbian on the Halfshell

Gina T. of NJ writes:

So, last night I had a very brief sex dream. I was in a very gaudy hotel room with an old high school friend of mine. We never dated or anything. I didn't like him like that. But anyway, it was one of those moments of nothing said but understood we were gonna do it. He was in bed already, and I went to turn the light off. By the time I got into bed with him, he was ready to go and all over me. I said something along the lines of "can't we work up to it a little?" And his response was something along the lines of "well, you'll have to keep me excited then." When I finally gave him the okay, it was intense but brief. Like BRIEF. Then, I woke up. LOL And the weirdest thing was I could actually smell him in my dream. Not that he had bad odor, but he had a smell like everyone does. And I remember his. And I could smell it so vividly. So very odd.

How's that?

Gina, your dream is about you grappling with the myth that lesbians are frigid man-haters, and trying to reconcile your true sexual orientation with the genuine affection you feel towards males. You find yourself about to have intercourse with a man who you know in real life, and care about as a friend, but who you've never dated or had sexual feelings for. In the dream, he's very much into the idea of banging away, but you require coaxing because this is not where you're inclined to take this relationship.  There's nothing odd or unusual about someone agreeing to have sex with their partner when they're less than eager at that moment in time. In fact, most sexually active people do this from time to time to accommodate the sexual needs of a partner. So, having sex when you're not exactly in the mood, and having to "work up to it" are perfectly normal, once in a while. What's NOT normal - or emotionally healthy - is having sex when you don't want to, with someone you don't really want to knock boots with, EVER.  Sure, a person CAN do this, but "can" and "should" are two very different words. 

You're a lesbian, Gina, but you're confused because, like lots of lesbians,  you like men.  In fact, you can, when worked up to it and coaxed, even achieve brief moments of physical pleasure with them. Let me share a little secret with you: orgasms are a mechanical function of the human body. Most women can achieve intense orgasms with a Pocket Rocket, too, but no one wants to marry one. If you were hungry, would you choose a bowl full of unflavored gelatine, or a Filet Mignon and baked potato smothered in butter and sour cream from Peter Luger's?  There's a difference between filling your belly and satisfying your true desires.  Sometimes it's not a juicy bratwurst, but a plate of bearded oysters that hits the spot.

Listen to what your dream is saying: for you, anything more than friendship with men stinks to high hell. Because you're gay.

Greek To Me

Keara G. writes:

I'm with my family, and we are floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. It's nighttime. I look up and the evening sky is AMAZING like I've never seen before in my life. Every constellation is before me at one time, made up of thousands of sparkling stars. Orion! Scorpio! Taurus! The Seven Sisters! Aquarius! Cassiopeia! Pegasus! Wait a second! Pegasus doesn't have a horn! A gleaming horn! That's not a horse! That's a UNICORN! Holy shit! I look around shouting for everyone to look! Look! But I'm alone. I need to get back but can't see shoreline, so I look for the North Star, find it, and swim in the opposite direction. I swim and swim and then finally see the shore. I head for it but have to swim through some serious muck and mire to get there. I feel the ground under my feet and crawl out of the ocean, dirty and covered with mud. I look up, and gaze with wonder at the stars above.

This dream is about the those parts of life that we share collectively with others, as opposed to those parts which are very personal, and about wanting to be like everyone else when, in fact you're not.

You're on an open sea with your family, experiencing the ocean and the night sky. This represents your belief system - and even your hope - that you see things just the way other people do, and experience them in the same way.  But, of course, you DO see things differently. In your mind's eye, the constellation of Pegasus isn't a winged horse, at all, but a unicorn. I'm sure you know that Medieval legend dictates a unicorn (a mythological creature, itself) can only be hunted and captured by a virgin - someone pure of body and mind. Yet, here you are, a married mom who has spotted the elusive creature. What does it mean? It means that you know, in your heart of hearts, that you're really a virgin where it counts, because you have never given in to your true desire: sex with women. 

It's no accident your dream takes place at sea: in life, you have no desire to rock the proverbial boat. What you find, though, is that you're not on a sea-worthy ship, but a raft. Who is ever on a raft on the expansive ocean, but someone who is lost at sea? Your dream is screaming at you that your life as a heterosexual is a virtual Andrea Doria, and that you've reached a point where it's sink or swim.  In other words, this shit is killing you, girl. Luckily, your innate desire to survive, and even to thrive, reminds you that there's a little Diana Nyad inside of all of us, when need be. It's not an easy journey, and finding your way in the dark, murky waters of coming out may seem insurmountable, but the stars are there to guide you. And look at your dream: you not only reach the dry land of Lesbos, but you discover the stars are still there for you to gaze up at and admire.

Swim for your life, girl....your big, old lesbian life. There's dry land once you get there. In fact, there's wall-to-wall carpeting.  And don't be too hard on yourself for taking this long to find out you're actually gay: have you ever really looked at those constellations? They're just crazy, random stars that some Ancient Greek who'd hit the Ouzo pipe once too often decided to assign names and characters to, without real rhyme or reason. Just the way the world decided you were a straight chick, without ever asking you if this was so.  Making heads or tales of that crap ain't easy.