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Don't like Paypal OR Venmo, but still want to get in on this? Donate to the relief effort on your own and show me a receipt for a donation of $25 or more, and I'm down to interpret your dream. The only thing that matters to me is raising money for the relief effort in Puerto Rico, which continues.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Karen Silkwood Was Murdered

Kristine Phoenix Artinian writes:

I was staying at a friend's house and I was running late for work. It was a GIANT house and I needed to shower, and I started it but then I went to lock the bathroom door. There wasn't just one door, but several because the bathroom was actually an insanely long corridor with the shower stall at one end. By the time I locked all the doors to the end and got back, my friend had turned off the shower and taken over that end of the bathroom. I hiked back to the other end, thinking I had seen a shower at that end as well, but when I got back down there I saw it was a lavish outdoor pool with lots and lots of people in and around it. All this took place while I was wrapped in a towel. At this point I was so late I just decided to go to work dirty. 
Kristine, the fact that your dream self is running late is an indication that you feel, in the grand scheme of things, you're running out of time. We're mortal beings, my friend, and time is finite. Like many people who reach middle age, you're at a crossroads, and this dream is presenting you with certain options that lay ahead of you: the one you choose will be pivotal in how the rest of your life plays out.
You've dreamt about about shame, self-loathing, and the multiple layers of protection you've built up to hide from the inescapable truth about yourself.  The GIANT house in your dream represents your psyche - so vast and complicated, cavernous, really. An easy place in which to get lost....especially when one harbors a GIANT secret and GIANT shame. In the dream, you find yourself in this big house, and feel you need a shower. This is because in your waking hours, when you look too deeply into yourself, you feel unclean. What you keep hidden away behind closed, psychic doors is that which you feel is filthy and unseemly, and you wish you could wash it away. The long bathroom you describe is the length of time you've already lived: your life to-date. It's been a long road getting to where you are today, and there are multiple locks and doors at the end that long span of time from that which you find unclean: your true sexual preference, which is that of a gay woman. Just as you've spent years (and lots of energy) locking the world away from your inner lesbian, your dream self takes the long walk to lock the multiple doors behind you. The good news is, this is ultimately a dream about you confronting this crossroads with friends-of-Dorothy on hand to lead you to the promised land. Whereas you've spent a lifetime locked away from the world, what you're clearly ready to do at this stage in life is shut the door on what's behind you and take not a Karen Silkwood shower to wash away the gay, but to enjoy a dip in a luxurious pool of Sapphic delights. You're ready to take the full muff dive, Kristine. Your nudity, except for a towel, illustrates how exposed you suddenly feel, now that you've subconsciously decided to embrace your inner lesbian. Be brave and go out into the world dirty, Gay Girl. If Meryl Streep had just hit it with Cher, like she should have, Silkwood would have been a completely different movie.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Cappy Sue writes:

I was in a house with all kinds of people - some I knew and some I did not. We knew someone was killing people so, when we figured out who it was, we bashed him on the head. It was a guy who looked a lot like Alan Rickman. I am not sure if it was supposed to be him or not. But that was what was running through my head while I crammed his injured body into a giant microwave.

He was beating on the door to get out but in a effort to stop him I went ahead and cooked him. It was gross and he melted and bubbled something like gremlins being born. He then turned into a little girl in a floral dress that had no sleeves. 

When I was done cooking him I wrapped the remains up in a fleece blanket and took it outside and saw a park across the way. I sat it on the park bench and bought a balloon from one of those strolling vendors. No one seemed concerned I was carting around this melted glob of an Alan Rickman girl. I put the little balloon in the thing's hand and sat there for a few moments. Then I got up and went to buy a hot dog.
End of the dream. 

Cappy, this dream is telling you, via Alan Rickman, that relationships with men are truly, madly, deeply killing you, and that it's time for you to take serious action. Like Rickman's character in this charming movie, societal-imposed heterosexuality has moved from being a comfort, to being the ultimate guest-who's-overstayed-his-welcome. You do your best to get rid of Alan (who represents the hoards of men you've bedded down in an effort to prove your heterosexuality) but he's a stubborn bastard, and makes all kinds of noise, forcing you to take drastic measures. While it may seem as if you're torturing Rickman by turning on the microwave oven, what you're really doing is purging yourself of one reality and embracing another. An oven doubles as an incubator, and this dream is telling you that, only by killing the falsehood of heterosexuality will you ever be able to truly nurture your true nature: that of a woman who loves women.  The little girl Rickman turns into? That's you, sister, in all your babydyke glory, wearing signs of Spring and rebirth.

The end of your dream may seem odd and disturbing, but it's actually very positive. You obviously have some deep-seated fear about what kind of reception you'll get from the world if you finally embrace your queerdom. The fact that you're sitting on a park bench with Melted Alan Rickman and no one seems to give a damn? That's your subconscious telling you that, more and more, being gay is seen as no big deal. Don't worry what people will think. What about the hot dog, you ask? If you're afraid you'll miss that part of hetero sex, have no fear: lesbians can buy those things these days, and often do. 

Yup. Gay. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Lesbian on the Halfshell

Gina T. of NJ writes:

So, last night I had a very brief sex dream. I was in a very gaudy hotel room with an old high school friend of mine. We never dated or anything. I didn't like him like that. But anyway, it was one of those moments of nothing said but understood we were gonna do it. He was in bed already, and I went to turn the light off. By the time I got into bed with him, he was ready to go and all over me. I said something along the lines of "can't we work up to it a little?" And his response was something along the lines of "well, you'll have to keep me excited then." When I finally gave him the okay, it was intense but brief. Like BRIEF. Then, I woke up. LOL And the weirdest thing was I could actually smell him in my dream. Not that he had bad odor, but he had a smell like everyone does. And I remember his. And I could smell it so vividly. So very odd.

How's that?

Gina, your dream is about you grappling with the myth that lesbians are frigid man-haters, and trying to reconcile your true sexual orientation with the genuine affection you feel towards males. You find yourself about to have intercourse with a man who you know in real life, and care about as a friend, but who you've never dated or had sexual feelings for. In the dream, he's very much into the idea of banging away, but you require coaxing because this is not where you're inclined to take this relationship.  There's nothing odd or unusual about someone agreeing to have sex with their partner when they're less than eager at that moment in time. In fact, most sexually active people do this from time to time to accommodate the sexual needs of a partner. So, having sex when you're not exactly in the mood, and having to "work up to it" are perfectly normal, once in a while. What's NOT normal - or emotionally healthy - is having sex when you don't want to, with someone you don't really want to knock boots with, EVER.  Sure, a person CAN do this, but "can" and "should" are two very different words. 

You're a lesbian, Gina, but you're confused because, like lots of lesbians,  you like men.  In fact, you can, when worked up to it and coaxed, even achieve brief moments of physical pleasure with them. Let me share a little secret with you: orgasms are a mechanical function of the human body. Most women can achieve intense orgasms with a Pocket Rocket, too, but no one wants to marry one. If you were hungry, would you choose a bowl full of unflavored gelatine, or a Filet Mignon and baked potato smothered in butter and sour cream from Peter Luger's?  There's a difference between filling your belly and satisfying your true desires.  Sometimes it's not a juicy bratwurst, but a plate of bearded oysters that hits the spot.

Listen to what your dream is saying: for you, anything more than friendship with men stinks to high hell. Because you're gay.

Monday, January 28, 2013

What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been

Amber S. of NYC writes:

I had a very long dream that seemed mostly that I had pack up and arrange other people's travel and luggage. Most of the dream involved organizing and finding items that needed to go in two very small bags for me and my traveling companion friend. But it turned out we also needed to transport other people's pets. And this included what seemed like a flock of doves and pigeons, which could be in a big cage with each other, and also another animal in it's own cage which I'm not sure was a rabbit or civet or something.

Virtually the entire dream involved mishaps with not being able to find things or rustle animals into containers. Although once it seemed like I was on a first class flight in what seemed like a movie theater and the bird cages were hanging from the ceiling, that seems like it was the trip "there" wherever there was because the whole setting was NYC. However the whole thing was not my trip, it seemed like it was my job or something. Most of the dream was trying to get ready for the trip "back" and this was why it was frustrating trying to find all my items and being burdened with all these exotic pets that weren't even mine. Eventually I was at my father and his family's house and that's where a lot of the luggage and birds were. Finally we have a short time left and the car is waiting and my dad is just really angry that we are late. I keep saying "these are not even my animals, this is not my fault" and I start imagining that maybe we will miss the flight and have more time to find everything for the next flight. I woke up as we were driving to the airport though my dad was not there.

Amber, this blog was started after I interpreted two of your dreams that fairly screamed, "Let me out of this prison of heterosexuality!!!"Yet, here you are, still living the life of a modern day Mary Tyler Moore - a happening straight girl, living on her own, tossing up her hat to a winter breeze, and waiting for Prince Charming to come along. Did you watch MTM as a kid? Prince Charming never came. And let's get one thing clear: Rhoda was ALWAYS the more interesting woman, anyhow. That caged bird isn't someone's pet, it's you, baby girl.

Your dream is all about the excess baggage you've been forced, by society, to carry around. And it's not even YOUR baggage! Why are you carrying around - and worrying about - other people's baggage? You talk about not knowing where you're headed, and it not even being your trip. Doesn't this tell you something?

Sometimes, you have to make a deliberate decision to set your own itinerary, and do things your own way, even if people think it's nutty. So, go ahead and miss that flight: there's always another.  Better yet, choose another way to travel, entirely. While others like a plane, you might be better off taking Amtrak. Trust me: the scenery is better and the seats are roomier.

Taking everyone else's trip, and carrying other people's stuff around hasn't served you well.  If you and your nameless/faceless travel companion are ever going to get anywhere, you need to ditch all the stuff that other people think is important, fill an Eddie Bauer backpack with some chinos, a flannel shirt or two, and an extra pair of Keen walking shoes, and be on your way. Even the TSA doesn't like it when you let someone else fiddle with your luggage. You're a lesbian, Amber, and PACKING is one thing lesbians do better than anyone else.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Greek To Me

Keara G. writes:

I'm with my family, and we are floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. It's nighttime. I look up and the evening sky is AMAZING like I've never seen before in my life. Every constellation is before me at one time, made up of thousands of sparkling stars. Orion! Scorpio! Taurus! The Seven Sisters! Aquarius! Cassiopeia! Pegasus! Wait a second! Pegasus doesn't have a horn! A gleaming horn! That's not a horse! That's a UNICORN! Holy shit! I look around shouting for everyone to look! Look! But I'm alone. I need to get back but can't see shoreline, so I look for the North Star, find it, and swim in the opposite direction. I swim and swim and then finally see the shore. I head for it but have to swim through some serious muck and mire to get there. I feel the ground under my feet and crawl out of the ocean, dirty and covered with mud. I look up, and gaze with wonder at the stars above.

This dream is about the those parts of life that we share collectively with others, as opposed to those parts which are very personal, and about wanting to be like everyone else when, in fact you're not.

You're on an open sea with your family, experiencing the ocean and the night sky. This represents your belief system - and even your hope - that you see things just the way other people do, and experience them in the same way.  But, of course, you DO see things differently. In your mind's eye, the constellation of Pegasus isn't a winged horse, at all, but a unicorn. I'm sure you know that Medieval legend dictates a unicorn (a mythological creature, itself) can only be hunted and captured by a virgin - someone pure of body and mind. Yet, here you are, a married mom who has spotted the elusive creature. What does it mean? It means that you know, in your heart of hearts, that you're really a virgin where it counts, because you have never given in to your true desire: sex with women. 

It's no accident your dream takes place at sea: in life, you have no desire to rock the proverbial boat. What you find, though, is that you're not on a sea-worthy ship, but a raft. Who is ever on a raft on the expansive ocean, but someone who is lost at sea? Your dream is screaming at you that your life as a heterosexual is a virtual Andrea Doria, and that you've reached a point where it's sink or swim.  In other words, this shit is killing you, girl. Luckily, your innate desire to survive, and even to thrive, reminds you that there's a little Diana Nyad inside of all of us, when need be. It's not an easy journey, and finding your way in the dark, murky waters of coming out may seem insurmountable, but the stars are there to guide you. And look at your dream: you not only reach the dry land of Lesbos, but you discover the stars are still there for you to gaze up at and admire.

Swim for your life, girl....your big, old lesbian life. There's dry land once you get there. In fact, there's wall-to-wall carpeting.  And don't be too hard on yourself for taking this long to find out you're actually gay: have you ever really looked at those constellations? They're just crazy, random stars that some Ancient Greek who'd hit the Ouzo pipe once too often decided to assign names and characters to, without real rhyme or reason. Just the way the world decided you were a straight chick, without ever asking you if this was so.  Making heads or tales of that crap ain't easy.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Call the Genius Bar

I dreamt that I agreed, as part of my current contract with a website client, to arrange the ordering and shipping of thirty million Dell laptops. Am know? 
 David R. 

David, in your dream, you've agreed to comply and do something completely unreasonable, at the request of someone whose favor and approval you deeply desire.  The nature of the task you've agreed to, and the enormity of it, represent the enormity of your ongoing efforts to please your family and the wider society, who have placed unreasonable expectations on you. The dream version of you has, in effect, agreed to do way more than you'd signed on for when you agreed to this contract with this client. This mirrors your waking life, where you find yourself having meaningless sex with women night after night after night, all in an effort to be the people-pleaser you wish to be. Have you had distasteful, unsatisfying sex with 30 Million women? No but, to a man who is homosexual, any sex with a woman is too much sex. I'm sure it FEELS like it's been 30 million women.

Your dream is telling you how preposterous it is to continue living a life full of random, meaningless, joyless sex with women. It's time to wake up to the fact that you're an Apple guy who's being bombarded by PCs. In other words: GAY.